‎"...a little 'trouty', but quite good" ~ Eve Kendall, North By Northwest

Sunday, April 22, 2007


We have begun.

Chris has new interest in the garden, now that he is making concentric raised beds using a microphone stand and cat5 wire as a guide.

Our whole family went to the garden store today. We knew we had to add lime and fertilizer. Nitrates had been mentioned. This was all a passing observation - I think our gardening friend must have channeled it from the dirt itself. We have not had our soil tested. We are not completely sure how to have our soil tested and we are pretty sure the SAT's are long gone at our local high school. So when the woman at the garden center asked us specifics about what we wanted, we had absolutely no idea. Organic. Good for vegetables. It is possible she recommended the most expensive fertilizer known to man. It may indeed be 100% bat guano.

That should keep the bugs away.

We also repotted our sunflowers, which survived their vacation. Word on the street is we can't plant them outside until Memorial Day, at which point they should be nearing our ceiling.

But now back to the guano. You may be thinking "how can someone who knows so little about so much know about bat guano?"

I have had a very specialized life.

I once worked for an art school, which was housed in an old public school in Denver. It was in the process of historic preservation and there were plans for renovating our enormous attic (at least 2 stories high inside). Someone recommended that we gas the bats prior to the renovation - concerns about methane build-up, blah blah blah. I had my own concerns about a) the karmic sinkhole that would surely result from mass-bat-murder and b) the ensuing smell.

So when my boss went away for a few days I took the opportunity to call Urban Wildlife Rescue. I figured they could pop by, stick our bats in their little bat kennels, and be on their way. They did pop by and when I showed them our attic they explained that they couldn't even reach the ceiling and if they did take our bats, more would come pouring in (the dark attic did in fact look a bit like a planetarium if you went up on a sunny day). Furthermore, judging from the amount of guano, we had a very large colony. They called the Department of Wildlife.

The Department of Wildlife came and discovered we had possibly the largest colony in the metro area. And it was a nursing colony (read: civilian casualties, mostly women and children).

My boss came home to discover that we could no longer quietly gas our bats. They were famous. So she did the next best thing and used them for more publicity. She did not fire me (or gas me). And she stopped short of making us all go upstairs with bags to collect bat guano and sell it to gardeners.

It would have been better than some of the bake sales I've been involved with.

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