‎"...a little 'trouty', but quite good" ~ Eve Kendall, North By Northwest

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

crouching tiger, whimpering dragon

I went to kickboxing again today. This is proof of something (of what, I'm not sure). Mental instability? An inability to look away from the impending disaster in the mirror? A desperate attempt to justify this morning's hollandaise?

On my way in I saw someone I knew in the hall. He asked how I was and I said "fine so far - I haven't been to class yet." One of my fellow kickboxers overheard me and said "oh yeah, that's a great attitude."

It's not attitude. It's realism.

My teacher's name is Mary Lou. You have to be careful of Mary Lous because they are just not what you think they are. I figure a kickboxing instructor named Mary Lou will be all happy and peppy and sing along to the songs. I do not expect her to look at me and yell "MORE FIRE, WOMAN!"

The other Mary Lou I knew was a stripper. Whenever we went out she always had fists of cash and would pick up the tab. You know when you were handling money and your mother said "you never know where that's been"? She was right.

That Mary Lou is different from this Mary Lou. If this Mary Lou were a stripper she would be more like Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire. You know, when she goes undercover at the beginning and, oops, kills someone.

There, I've admitted to seeing Barb Wire.

At one point I realized that if I could find the beat and figure out the footwork it was almost painless. In some ways it was not unlike that ballroom dancing class we took a few years back. I then wondered if pole dancing is the same way and puzzled over where Mary Lou the First is now so I can ask her. And because I haven't been paying attention I have lost the beat and am kicking with the wrong foot and all is lost.

"COUNT IT!" shouts Mary Lou.

And then, as punishment, she tells us to all go get weights. My that's-a-great-attitude friend assures me that I've made it through the hardest part and not to worry. She is much kinder with the breakfast beaten out of her.

So then we do jumping jacks with the handweights. And then we do push-ups without the handweights. And then we go into plank pose and hold it for THREE MINUTES. After which we do three minutes of crunches. After which we die. After which we continue to experience the same class in the afterlife and are allowed to stretch.

The afterlife is totally worth it. There's hollandaise in the afterlife.

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