Here's the problem with Halloween costumes: I wouldn't know Hannah Montana if she walked up and bit me. How am I supposed to identify her in the form of a 5 year old?
There are lots of things I should know, now that I'm a mom. Like, what time am I supposed to take the kids trick-or-treating? They have short little legs and we have a lot of ground to cover. If the 31st is on a school night, should I take them on the Saturday before Halloween? Is it okay to send a postcard out to the neighborhood saying, "in lieu of treats, please make a donation to their scholarship fund?"
And speaking of trick or treating, I had a call from Lucy's dentist the other day. I was canceling Studley's appointment because let's face it, he'll never make it through. He is fiendishly ticklish and brushing his teeth requires singing, dancing and bribing. You know, to distract him from the fact that he is being tickled inside his mouth. That's just not fair, tickling somebody inside his mouth. The receptionist told me they would only do what he'd allow - there would be no strapping him to the chair. She also reminded me that he is my son and it's my decision when to bring him in. They weren't going to strap me to a chair either, she said. "And tickle me with a toothbrush until I gasp 'next Tuesday's fine!'" I added. And then she said, "is this Susan (insert maiden name)?"
First, the dentist is not even close to my town. Second, I swear to you I have never referred to toothbrush tickle torture in conversation before. How on earth did she know? It turned out to be someone I haven't seen in years - who's never met my kids. What kind of impression did I make on her? That's a rhetorical question, incidentally.
Oh, and now that I'm typing this out, I remember that she's related to Hebert Candies. Back when we were westerners we'd sometimes saddle up and ride east to visit family here in New England. We'd ALWAYS stop at Heberts so mom could stock up on ribbon candy and what-not. Maybe our dental receptionist has a familial karmic debt and she's now having to care for children's teeth.
Let this be a lesson to you.