I have a friend I call when things are not as I think they should be. He's my teacher - a spiritual mentor if you will. I call him with questions and fears. I call when I hurt. He always gives me things to think about that put everything in perspective. The things he tells me are things I know but have forgotten or have lost sight of, and they always allay the fears and take away the pain.
The day before yesterday was a pretty rough one for me. We had some things going on that were making me feel heart sick, stomach sick, just plain sick. After thinking these things through all day, and finding no resolution or answer, I thought about calling my friend.
The truth is, I don't call him very often. Usually what happens is I think about calling and as I'm mentally launching the conversation I can hear his response in my head. Like I said, I know these answers, I just lose sight of them. So the conversations in my head go: she says this, he says that, she feels like a dork, dope slaps herself and says thank you. Doing it all in my head first saves me minutes on my calling plan and bruises to the forehead.
So in my head yesterday I poured out my soul.
And in my head, he laughed.
And in my head I said thank you. Because his laugh told me that no one can take what is ours, that we are not responsible for the actions of others, that only what is true and right is what endures. And we can argue all these points down to their lowest common denominator, but I'd rather rise than fall.
I did not, in this case, dope slap myself. And I did not call him.
As it turns out, I would not have had the same conversation with him if I had called. I found out yesterday that he had passed on the day before.
In my head, I'll always hear him laughing.