I was asked not very long ago to provide a headshot and bio for that music thingly I'm writing for. It was due that very instant, which implies that most people getting these calls already have such things put together and ready to email. Or else they make a phone call and someone else emails them.
I have neither a bio nor a personal assistant. Every once in a while when I go shopping in uber-snobby places I like to say "I'll send my girl by later" and leave my parcels. I then call half a dozen friends to find someone to go get my stuff. Usually it's something like a new nail file because, hello? who do you think I am shopping in these places?
But I can't call and get a friend to email a bio when I don't even have one, so write one I shall. I think it should start "Susan is the trophy wife of record mogul Chris vonTrout. They live in the palatial Trout Towers, where musicians come and go, artists congregate and tea is served promptly. " There will be no mention of chickens, bathroom fixtures in driveways or the SEVEN vehicles routinely parked in the environs. And it will not specify exactly what we mean by "promptly." Or "mogul." Or even "trophy" for that matter. Perhaps I mean it in the bowling trophy sense. Who'd know?
In fact it would simplify things greatly if I used this as my headshot. There just aren't that many acceptable photographs of me and I'm so sorry but a professional job is right straight out. I once failed to renew my license because I was too busy recreating myself for the photo. I am on the verge of doing it again with my passport.
The other bios and headshots in the paper/magazine thingly make the contributors look smart and hip and about 20. Yes, I have pictures of me looking smart and hip and about 20, except that in those pictures I am dressed like Cindy Lauper. That's what we did when I was 20. Back in the day.
I have a picture Lucy took of me that reminds me of this album cover. When I looked for the image just now I discovered a press release that said "It’s A Shame About Ray will be named Classic Album at the U.S. leg of the NME Awards." Which is awesome!
Ha ha! Kidding! I'm a music writer now so OF COURSE I know all about things like NME (and Google).
And speaking of being a music writer, I am working on another column because they are glutons for punishment. This one involves fashion and who better to ask about band fashion than David Lowery of Cracker? I figured it was a long shot because, well, I'm ME and he's HIM and he probably doesn't have a brain crush on me like I do him and seriously who would answer questions like "dude, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT JACKET?"
David Lowery, that's who. It's true! He answered me! And then I ran around the house, nay, the neighborhood, squealing like a 15 year old at a Rihanna concert.