‎"...a little 'trouty', but quite good" ~ Eve Kendall, North By Northwest

Sunday, October 5, 2008

brushing up on my Swedish

Today I felt like I was in an Ikea commercial. Being in Ikea probably added to that sensation somewhat, but really it was the attractive young couples that made it seem so staged. There they were, holding hands and looking all hip and mod and newly married. Sitting on sofas and measuring tables. Consulting over cupboards. It was appalling. How on earth did those women get the men to go shopping with them? And feign interest? It's beyond me, truly.

I took Chris because I needed help carrying things to the car. Also I needed him to okay some light fixture purchases, so we wouldn't need to have an electrician on retainer to install our $4.99 lights. I have a knack for picking out lights that require rewiring the entire house. And for the record, what's with $4.99 light fixtures? We had gone to a local lighting store to get some ideas and only found things we didn't like very much for closer to $40. Chris and I looked at each other in Ikea like "well of course we have to buy them what are you waiting for?"

We also got all the shelves and mirrors and towel bars and hooks we can possibly jam into our bathroom. We got it in a dark wood so it looks like our cedar clapboard shower is cedar clapboarded on purpose. Wait. Spellcheck, what do you mean "clapboarded" is a real word?

Yes, our shower has clapboard where there should be tile. It's, er, a FEATURE. I am not sure when it seemed like a good idea to make our shower look like a sauna/outhouse/outdoor shower, but there you have it. A shower with wood walls. Feel my pain. But I am very good at acting like there is nothing wrong (when I feel like it), and so I am trying to make the bathroom look intentional. I am not sure how to tie in the buckling linoleum, but give me time and I'll work it out.

Meanwhile, back at Ikea, we are throwing sets of sheets in our cart like there's no tomorrow. Studley's been sleeping on a set of Lucy's sheets and although they are not techinically pink, I don't think mauve qualifies as a boy's color. We also bought more white linens for our bed because we are still intent on recreating the beds from Lost in Translation - despite the fact that we have to replace the whites frequently because apparently Chris likes to roll in dirt before coming to bed.

Did you hear that, lovely newlyweds with interest-feigning husbands? Get the dark couch because your husbands will commence rolling in dirt as soon as the ink is dry on that marriage certificate.

And speaking of marital bliss, I began questioning ours when I noticed Chris seriously eyeing some shelving and cabinets that wouldn't fit anywhere in our house. I started to think he was planning to get a bachelor pad in Cambridge. Suddenly he was a little TOO interested in the offerings of Ikea. Opening cupboards, measuring doors.

"Do you know where I want to put this?" he asked. I am not prepared to have this conversation in the middle of Ikea, surrounded by newlywed shoppers.

"Uh, where?"

"In the truck!" I have never in my life been so happy to hear a hairbrained idea regarding his truck. And to his credit, the cupboards would look fab in the truck. I thought the floating oak floor was a bit much, though.

We did not get anything for the truck, but we got heaps of other stuff and then limped to the check-out lines. Chris reminded me of how much I said we'd spend when I talked him into going and we both eyed the cart in a "time to get a second job" sort of way. We had hardware for our kitchen cupboards, lights for three rooms, sheets galore, bathroom whatnot and some things I've already forgotten about.

We came in WAY under budget. And then that "I think I'm in a commercial" feeling cropped up again. I'm pretty sure I recall an Ikea ad wherein a woman is telling her friend to help her load the stuff and step on it because they made a big mistake at the register. I felt that way. Surely there was a mistake? I can spend more than that on socks at Target.

And then we got home and Chris started making shelves while I sat nearby and told him what he was doing wrong. I can't help but wonder how all the other people are fairing with their some-assembly-required hauls. For richer, for poorer, for preassembled, for unassembled.

Anyone have any tips on putting this stuff together?


Fred said...

Actually, I've gotten pretty good at assembling Ikea furniture - feel free to give me a call if you guys get stuck or need some help!

JAbel said...

Cupboards in a truck sound pretty cool.There's a guy out here I've seen a few times who has redwood planters in the bed of his pickup on each side with living flowers.P.S. I had baked stuffed cod already to bake when the Red Sox won tonight so it did not taste as good.There used to be a restaurant name forgotten on the right on Route 6 not far north of the Orleans rotary that had a great baked stuffed flounder that I try and duplicate with Cod or Flounder.

Sturdy Girl said...

Ikea furniture is the only furniture I can assemble. I think it's because there are no words. Just pictures of little men with hammers. I'm a simple girl.

Fatso and I are still in that blissful stage you talk about. I'm enjoying every minute while it lasts.
If I happen to find out how to keep him interested in shopping longer than one can expect I will be sure to let you know. I'm sure it has to do with various states of undress. Or pasta.

LizMcD said...

Yay, Ikea.

Kristin said...

My tip for assembling furniture: Get someone else to do it. I am TERRIBLE at fitting all that stuff together. I always think I'll be all independent and tough and do it by myself because who needs a MAN? And then I end up with two extra pieces and three missing screws and go crawling to my husband with my tail between my legs to beg for help.

I'm not proud of that, but there you are.

Susan said...

fred - you're on speed dial.

jabel - please, let's not give him any ideas, okay? And was that Arnolds?

sturdy - Little men with hammers? Like in Snow White? And your hints for keeping him interested are good. Chris was also fairly smitten with the cinnamon rolls at the end of the maze.

lizmcd - I'm glad you feel that way. Now can we go together in your truck?

kristin - oh please, with what you're doing out there at Little House on the Prairie, you can delegate whatever you want. 100 potatoes? Really? I love potatoes.

JAbel said...

Susan,the first time I ate there was way back in 75 but it was over the line into Eastham and I'm thinking maybe it was called The Gristmill?.Went there a few times after over several years.

Ms Picket To You said...

listen, The Kid has WAY WAY too many opinions. so when he left for the week, I picked the color for the house (purple!!!) and got it done.

however, when it comes to the assemblage (particularly on Xmas Eve), I lounge on the couch with a cocktail and act all "helpless."