‎"...a little 'trouty', but quite good" ~ Eve Kendall, North By Northwest

Thursday, October 15, 2009

bff stands for all sorts of things

Dear Sugarplum,

Up until this year, we drove you to a school far, far away, in a place where no one knew you. Now you go to school in our town and you think that's absolutely great.

You have no idea how wrong you are.

You think it's great because you are allowed to have friends now. Before it was just too far to drive for playdates. But now? Friends live right around the corner. You have a friend coming over tomorrow in fact! Which gives me just enough time to lecture some sense into you.

Rule number one.
Tell her nothing. And by nothing, I mean nothing. Everything you say, think, do or wear will be held against you for the next 12 years. Oh sure, she's your friend THIS WEEK but eternity (or the road to senior year) is a long time, my friend, and alliances change like Studley's underpants.

Do not tell her you like Justin. Justin is a year younger than you and that will get you a reputation as a...as a... I have no idea. But even as you step up to accept your valedictorian thingamajig, you'll hear a wave of sniggling and it will all be Justin's fault.

(Aside to the internet: Sugarplum does not have a thing for Justin. She thinks he's a silly little boy who sometimes tries to impress girls by catching dragonflies - girls like dragonflies! - and then inadvertently torturing them so the girls have to watch as the dragonfly writhes and DIES IN HIS SWEATY LITTLE HANDS. Oh, the humanity.)

If something dreadful happens, we cannot just up and move. First of all, what if we move to a house that is not named Trout Towers? What if it's The Snoggery? Will people find me on the internet? Will I have to pay yet another $24.95 to register a domain?

Furthermore, we can't physically move because we have too many books. The last time we moved, the movers said "we're sorry, we didn't know about all the books. Please don't ever call us again. Also, you have a pottery problem."

So we'll just have to stick it out and you'll have to hide in your locker, same as your father.

Rule number two.
You might want to jump a little higher when I ask you for help around the house. Otherwise, I might let it slip that you still sleep in your My Little Pony pajamas.

Love you,


Cape Cod Rambling Rose said...

Wait till the requests for sleepovers start to accrue... if you're anything like me, you'll want to hire an interior decorator before you start letting the little fairies see your house in action 24/7! ;)

just making my way said...

Oh, Ack! Now I'm all tense thinking about the future! I think I'll print this out and just hand it to my girl when she can read.

TwoBusy said...

A very sweet post, and all the sweeter for the gentle terrors of betrayal and heartbreak couched carefully therein.

God help us all as the little ones grow.

Bella said...

i think Sugarplum will be loved by everyone. how could they not, right?

oh if we could just live all the heartache for our little ones so they will only know love. it's possible and when you have it figured out, teach my girls. girls can be brutal.

Zoe Right said...

Just so darned sweet! I miss those days- now it's all high school drama.

Susan said...

Wait! I've got it! Did you see that episode of the Sopranos where they play really loud music until the guy lets Tony out of the real estate deal? That's what we'll do to anyone who messes with our Sugarplum. Seems a shame to let all this equipment go to waste.

Studley will just have to beat them soundly at chess, old school.

Kristin @ Going Country said...

I don't have to worry about this so much with a boy, right? My understanding is they get mad at each other, beat each other up, and all is forgotten. I can handle that.

Harlem's A Hatin said...

hahah I love this! So great! Good read!


Tiny Dancer said...

Or she could be like my girl and have loads of friends, but refuse to invite anyone over. She says it's cuz she didn't want anyone in her room, but I know it was because we were all just too weird!

Maybe you'll be just as lucky!

Zip n Tizzy said...

I had a friend tell me she couldn't come over because she didn't like my mom's tuna fish sandwiches.

I knew it was really because she couldn't handle my mom belly dancing around the living room with the cat wrapped around her shoulders.

Childhood's traumatic no matter how you slice it.

Lisa said...

I love this little letter.