In the days leading up to a live radio gig, you will think of all kinds of smart and funny things to say on the air. You will not say any of these things.
You may or may not go completely paralytic when the radio host introduces you.
You will forget to mention your own role within the music industry. You will sound in turns like a 1950s housewife promoting her husband and a rabid fan of whatever band you're playing at the moment.
The bands you play may or may not make a mental note to never take your calls again.
You will laugh inappropriately when someone says "ASCAP" on the air.
You will wonder why it's okay to say ASCAP but not other, similar-sounding expressions.
You will worry about saying something that sounds like ASCAP but isn't. It will plague you that the vigilante sidekick who is usually on hand for bleeping is not in the building.
At which point you will realize you didn't check the lyrics of the songs you're playing.
Your radio host will note that you turn crimson when you are nervous.
You will want to give your house credit for the rising career of your Upstairs Neighbor. You'll want to list all the musicians who have lived in your house, hung out in your house, played chess in your house. You'll want to mention the musician who, for reasons that still escape you, installed mahogany clapboard in your shower.
You'll want to introduce the last song you play because the songwriter is practically family and calls you Mrs. Crusher. You then realize that if you did say all that, you'd be out of time before you could explain that it was not a reference to your girth.
You'll want to play the 6 cds that are still in your bag but notice that the studio is turning out lights and handing you your coat.
You will get home and discover that your internet friends were quietly, patiently listening from afar.
You will be so pleased and proud, you will find yourself unable to sleep.
p.s. If you feel so inclined, please go to the Cheap Seats' facebook page and be a fan. And then ask her nicely to have me back on the show. She fed me brownies and I would like some more.