‎"...a little 'trouty', but quite good" ~ Eve Kendall, North By Northwest

Friday, September 28, 2012

Of course I'd demand an open casket

Everyone who had a vanity-related near-death experience this morning, raise your hand.*

This morning as I was rinsing the brown hair dye out of my totally naturally brown hair, I realized that I had a nose bleed and would probably end up with a Darwin Award for not getting out of the shower because I wasn't finished with my attempts at not looking my age.

I have never tried to slit my wrists, but I know that if you do, you're supposed to be in warm water to keep the blood moving quickly and efficiently out of your system. I think a shower would be good for that.

When you discover you are probably bleeding to death, you have decisions to make. Here is a flow chart:

Do I rinse these toxic chemicals out of my hair?
If yes, continue
If no, you now have chemicals in your eyes and hair dye all over the bathroom. Get back in the shower you stupid ninny.

Now that the chemicals are out of my hair, do I continue with the conditioner or deal with the fact that I'm seeing stars?
If yes to conditioner, continue
If yes to stars, good luck getting a comb through your hair ever again.

Do I leave the conditioner in for the whole two minutes?
If yes, you have a longer attention span than I do and are good at following directions. You may also be dead, but whatever.

I did call Chris for help at one point, but only because I couldn't get the packet of conditioner open and needed him to bring me scissors. I could have gotten the scissors myself, but then I would have bled all over the bathroom.

He didn't hear me anyway - at which point I thought maybe I should get one of those necklaces my mother-in-law wears. You know, the I'm bleeding to death in the shower and can't get the conditioner open necklace.

Except then you have a bathroom full of paramedics who now know more about you than either of you would like.

This way, my secret will be safe to the grave.

*Please tell me all about it in the comments.


twobusy said...

This, in short, is why I love you.

Kerri said...

Let me guess, Chris was rocking the music and did not hear your cries for help?

Susan said...

You raise an interesting point, Kerri. In hindsight I realize my "call for help" may also be my undoing as it was more "ahem?" than "HELP!"

beans said...

Perhaps it's time to switch to red?

Logical Libby said...

Look, you didn't die, so what's the problem?