Lest I seem too calm about appearing publicly, now that I've done it once, one of the bands asked me to be in a skit they had concocted. I don't do skits, but I'm trying hard to not be the kid sitting alone on the playground, so I said yes.
In the skit, a kid asks his drunk uncle to tell him a story. The uncle comes up with something loosely resembling the Nutcracker. We did the opening party scene (I was a guest), the mouse vs. soldier scene (I was a soldier), Dance of the Snowflakes (snowflake, obvs), Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy (more on that in a minute), and the wildly abridged Land of Sweets (I don't know what I was).
I mention all this because a Christmas miracle occurred.
Did I mention that it's mayhem? The parking lot fills well before start time. The room is huge and completely unnavigable. It's exactly the sort of thing I'd feign jury duty to avoid. When I am faced with a mass of humanity, I give myself fits trying to figure out how to get from here to there. I usually end up simplifying matters by figuring out how to get out and home.
Somehow I was elected Leader of the Snowflakes. As such, I led the pack through the crowd. It's amazing we didn't all end up in a cowering ball 5 feet from the stage. Our job was to get to the other side of the hall to usher in the Sugarplum Fairy, so cowering was not an option.
To make us look more like Snowflakes, we were each given two large tissue paper pompoms to wave over our heads in a snowflakish figure eight pattern. It was stunning. So off the stage I went, with all the other flakes behind me, waving my pompoms.
Did you know that if you walk through a crowd waving large tissue paper pompoms, the masses part for you? They even smile as you pass. I almost had fun. In a crowd.
SKITS ARE AWESOME.
We made it safely to the door, where we awaited the 6-foot-something man in a purple tutu to arrive. Believe me, once he showed up the masses parted even further. It was magnificent.
Yes, my friends, this is my life.
So my holiday tips for you are A) don't answer emails from musicians, and B) don't leave home without pompoms. You won't believe the results.
I was going to get everyone week-long spa visit gift certificates for Christmas, but obviously tissue pompoms are the way to go.
If you'll excuse me, I have some folding and fluffing to do.